Up until this point in my life, I thought I had a pretty strong relationship with God. Allow me to backup and briefly tell you about my faith journey. I think I already told you that we grew up in a Lutheran Church. If not, here it is: we grew up in a Lutheran Church. I apologize if any of this is repetitive, but I want you all to have the complete picture. We went to church every single Sunday. Every. Single. Sunday. I do not recall a single Sunday that we did not go to church, except for maybe when we were on vacation. We were all pretty involved in the church: youth group, volunteering, etc. But we never really discussed God or faith outside of church. From hearing other people’s stories, this seems to be a common trend among this generation. Church seemed to be more of a check off a to-do list instead of actual worship.
For as long as I can remember, I was always very intrigued by God, and I don’t think there has ever been a time in my life where I didn’t believe in God or Jesus. I always wanted to learn more about Him. I loved singing the songs at church because a lot of them seemed to speak to me. Maybe I had daddy issues with my dad working all the time. And I know I had parent issues once the boys entered the picture. God just seemed so loving and wonderful, and I always loved knowing that He was always there for me. I prayed often, although it was almost always only when I needed something. He was my genie in a bottle. His job was to fulfill my requests, and if He didn’t, I just needed to pray harder, and then it was just a waiting game to see when He’d answer my prayers.
During my “alcoholic” years (the years when I was actively drinking too much), I remember praying that God would help me stop drinking (so obviously, I knew to some extent that I had a problem). I also specifically remember praying that He would not allow Thomas to find out and that He would just “flip a switch” so to speak and cure me. I did NOT want Him to make me quit by allowing me to have any sort of consequences or rock bottom. Just a nice, miraculous, change or heart where I would wake up one day and no longer drink too much.
I also prayed A LOT about my marriage. When I say Thomas and I didn’t have a great marriage during this time, I mean, we really kind of hated each other. In my messed up mind, it was all his fault. He had a bad temper, he expected too much from me, he didn’t notice all of the good things I was doing and only focused on the bad, he didn’t put in any effort into our relationship, he didn’t do this, he didn’t do that. But what I completely ignored was the fact that I drank 24/7 and hid it from him. So yes, he did lose his temper quite often, and yes, he did get frustrated that things weren’t getting done as they normally would, but he also didn’t have all of the information. He thought he just had a “lazy” wife who was hanging out all day not doing anything. I mean, if the situation was reversed, I don’t even know what I would have done. I’m just thankful that he stuck around as long as he did.
So I would pray all the time that God would heal our marriage. I prayed that God would “fix” Thomas (because obviously he was the only one who needed to be fixed). So when I wound up in my 30’s, being kicked out of my house, losing custody of my child, and facing a divorce, you can imagine how upset I was that my genie in a bottle God seemed to do the opposite of what I had been praying for.
But God works in such miraculous ways. It’s so clear to see, now that I’m looking back on it, that He knew what He was doing the whole time. But when I was in the thick of it, when it felt like my life was over, when I didn’t know if I would even make it through the night, God wept with me. He guided my feet so that I could put one foot in front of another. He allowed me to break, shatter really. But this tender and loving God was with me every single step of the way. There was not a breath I took that He did not will into existence. And I mean that wholeheartedly. Without God, I would have crashed my car on the way home from work that day. I honestly do not think I would have made it through the night.
So I urge you, if you are in a place where you are hurting and broken and hopeless – look for God. He’s there. He loves you. You are not forgotten. In fact, He is lovingly sitting right there beside you, putting one foot in front of the other. Don’t lose hope, and don’t give up. Just look for God. Feel His presence. Call to Him. Shout to Him at the top of your lungs. He will hear you. And He will be with you.
Isaiah 41:10 says “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Deuteronomy 31:8 says “It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” That is God’s promise. And I believe with my whole heart that He will keep His promise. If you pray to Him and ask Him to be with you, He will. Things may not go according to your plan, but no matter what, He will be with you.
To God be ALL the Glory!
Love, Grace
