I could probably write a whole book on the mind of an alcoholic/addict. I know I’ve talked a little about it before, but I wanted to dedicate a post to it because I think it’s so important to talk about. (FYI – I’m just going to focus on alcoholics, since that’s what I am, but I assume “addicts” of any kind would think the same way. After all, it doesn’t really matter much what you’re addicted to.)
***As a disclaimer, I am in no way certified in mental health, addiction, or any other areas related to these topics. I do my very best to be objective and factual while also offering my own experiences and knowledge gained as a result. Please do your own research as you see necessary, and by all means, contact the appropriate organization/experts for help.***
I want to start off by saying that I think part of the problem lies in the fact that the majority of people don’t know what alcoholism actually is. I was one of those people. Crazy, huh? I was an alcoholic, but I didn’t even know what an alcoholic was. So what is it?
First and foremost, alcoholism is a disease. You can’t convince me otherwise.
Secondly, it is NOT a choice. Whether people are born a certain way or develop the disease is irrelevant as far as I’m concerned. That being said, it is not at all something that people choose. Please find me one person on Earth who says, “I choose to be an alcoholic, and I will reconsider.” But I have not found one yet.
Thirdly, alcoholism is not truly about alcohol. Alcoholics anonymous says that alcohol is the “symptom.” I think that’s pretty accurate. I once read a quote that said, “My therapist asked me what was wrong. I told her I was an alcoholic. She responded, “‘I know. What’s wrong?'” And I think that is such a great way to put it. The alcohol is just what we use to cover up whatever it is that’s actually “wrong” with us. Alcohol is the drug of choice, but it could be anything really: drugs, exercise, sex, food, gambling, etc.
Fourth, alcoholism is a disease of the mind. (This goes back to the third point.) Alcohol is the symptom, but the true problem is in our heads. It is a mental illness much like depression, schizophrenia, or bipolar disorder. Obviously, these are all very different, but you get the idea. I’ll quote the DSM-V for “Alcohol Use Disorder,” which is the “politically correct” term for alcoholism. The presence of two or more symptoms is classified as alcohol use disorder (AUD). In the past year have you:
- Had times when you ended up drinking more or longer than intended
- More than once wanted to cut down or stop drinking, or tried to but couldn’t
- Spent a lot of time drinking, or being sick or getting over other after effects
- Wanted a drink so badly you couldn’t think of anything else
- Found that drinking or being sick from drinking often interfered with taking care of your home or family or caused job troubles or school problems
- Continued to drink even though it was causing trouble with your family or friends
- Given up or cut back on activities that were important or interesting to you or gave you pleasure in order to drink
- More than once gotten into situations while or after drinking that increased your chances of getting hurt
- Continued to drink even though it was making you feel depressed or anxious or adding to another health problem or after having had a memory blackout
- Had to drink much more than you once did to get the effect you want or found that your usual number of drinks had much less effect than before
- Found that when the effects of alcohol were wearing off, you had withdrawal symptoms, such as trouble sleeping, shakiness, restlessness, nausea, sweating, a racing heart or a seizure or sensed things that were not there
Reference: DSM-V
When I had my initial assessment after being served my divorce papers, I answered yes to every. single. question. And yet, I didn’t KNOW that I was an alcoholic. How could that be?
The short answer is, as I’ve said before, alcoholism is a disease that tells you that you don’t have a disease. And the mind of an alcoholic is so powerful. Did I know I was drinking too much? Yes. Did I know that some of the things I was doing regarding alcohol was abnormal? Yes. Did I experience all of the negative effects of alcohol as stated in the DSM criteria above? Yes. And there were probably even times when I thought I might be an alcoholic. But without that definitive, absolute, undeniable flashing neon sign in front of me, it was SO easy and normal to pretend like I wasn’t. Just a teeny tiny iota of doubt was enough to make me think I wasn’t actually a real, true alcoholic.
And, going back to my initial point that people don’t really understand what alcoholism is, there was one KEY thing that I didn’t understand, nor did anyone else around me who knew I had a problem.
ALCOHOLICS CANNOT CHOOSE TO STOP DRINKING. THEY HAVE ZERO POWER OVER ALCOHOL. IT IS NOT SOMETHING THEY CAN STOP ON THEIR OWN. THE ONLY WAY FOR AN ALCOHOLIC TO STOP DRINKING IS FOR THEM TO GET HELP.
(Getting help is obviously much easier said than done, but I’ll go into that later.)
I cannot stress how important this key fact is to both alcoholics and people who are affected by an alcoholic. Even if someone accepts the fact that they are an alcoholic, it is only natural to believe that all they have to do is stop. I thought this about myself. I NEVER thought I needed help. I thought I just needed to stop drinking. On my own. Without help. I just needed to not take a bottle of alcohol and hold it up to my lips and pour it into my mouth and swallow. How hard could that be??
But you see, the problem with this, is that it assumes that the alcoholic has a CHOICE or that they are in CONTROL. If I had the choice or could control my drinking, I never in a million years would have gone anywhere within 10 miles of a bottle of liquor or a glass of wine after my husband told me he would file for divorce and take custody of my son. My son and husband were (and still are) the two most precious people in my life. In my right, sober mind, I would never EVER trade a sip of alcohol for either one of them. But that’s the problem – you have to be in your right mind. And if you are an actively drinking alcoholic, your mind is the whole problem.
I’m sorry if I’m talking in circles. I just can’t stress any of this enough. I think it’s important for people to understand for multiple reasons. But perhaps most importantly, I want non-alcoholics to understand that alcoholics and addicts are NOT choosing the alcohol or the drug over you. I know it seems that way. And I’m not at all trying to say you shouldn’t be upset or that any of it is okay. But if we were in our right minds, if we were the people you remembered us being before we started drinking or using, we would never, ever, ever choose any of this, for ourselves or for you. I suppose there may be a rare exception here or there, but I truly believe with all my heart that it is a disease that no one chooses and that no one continues to choose.
We just don’t know how to stop.
But let me be clear: I’m not at all saying that the alcoholic is not to blame. I’m not saying their actions are okay. I’m not saying that irreparable damage isn’t done by the actively drinking alcoholic. At some point, we do have to take responsibility and make amends.
But we need help, and we do not know that we need help.
Even the people who turn down rehab during an intervention don’t know that they need help. Even if it’s so incredibly obvious, there still remains that tiny sliver of hope that they will be okay on their own. Or that they just think they’re too far gone and help is no use. But again, you’re dealing with people who are not in their right mind.
To be continued…
To God be ALL the Glory!
Love, Grace
