I have had several people ask me over the years how you would know if someone is an alcoholic. Unfortunately, the lines are blurry between someone who is partying too much, abusing/misusing alcohol, etc. versus a true alcoholic. Here are my thoughts. And again, I’m not a professional, so always consult other people as you see fit.
How a non-alcoholic can tell if their loved one is an alcoholic:
- I tell people that a good rule of thumb is that if the person is hiding their drinking or lying about their drinking in any way, that is a BIG, HUGE RED FLAG. It’s tricky, though, because alcoholics are SO GOOD at hiding and lying. My husband is probably one of the most observant people you will ever meet. He is also such a good judge of character. I was living with him and sleeping in the same bed as him, yet he didn’t know how much I was hiding and lying. But hiding your consumption in any way, shape, or form is always indicative of doing something wrong.
- Also, if your loved one is drinking MULTIPLE drinks by themselves, HUGE RED FLAG. Sure, everyone has a drink or two after work or with dinner, but if you’re drinking a whole bottle of wine by yourself on a regular basis, there’s probably something wrong.
To the person who thinks they might be an alcoholic but isn’t sure:
- You probably are. Sorry to break it to you. But if you think you might have a problem, you probably do.
- If you hide your consumption and/or lie about it, you are most likely an alcoholic.
- If you drink more than 2 drinks by yourself on a regular basis, you are most likely an alcoholic.
- If you are still not sure, test yourself. Commit yourself to drinking only one drink today. But you have to drink one drink in order for the test to work. Drink the whole drink, then stop. If you can’t stop, you are an alcoholic. If you can stop, do the same thing the following day. If you can’t stop on day 2, you are an alcoholic. If you can stop, do the same thing every day for the next 5 days. If at any point you can’t stop at one drink, you are an alcoholic. If you were able to stop every day after just one drink, but you are still conducting this test because you think you might be an alcoholic, you are probably an alcoholic.
The bottom line is this: by definition, an alcoholic is a person who cannot control their drinking. If you cannot stop drinking once you start, you are not in control of your drinking, and you are therefore an alcoholic.
Since this is actually a mind disease as opposed to an alcohol disease, I like to separate it like this:
- A “non-alcoholic” has a sober mind. They are able to think clearly. They are able to control their drinking because their mind is sober.
- An “active” alcoholic has what I call an “alcoholic mind.” Riveting, I know. These people do not think clearly whether they are actively drinking or not. This includes ANYONE who has quit drinking cold turkey and is “white-knuckling” it, as they say in AA. There is a difference between abstaining from alcohol and being sober. Abstaining from alcohol does not mean that you are mentally sober. In order to be truly sober, you have to get help. Whether that means AA, therapy, or rehab. If you haven’t gotten help, you are just abstaining from alcohol, and a relapse is almost certain. It is only a matter of time. Yes, there are a select few cases I’m sure where people stop drinking on their own and live a happy life alcohol free. But I firmly believe that the large, large majority of true alcoholics must get help in order to get and stay sober.
- A recovering alcoholic has a sober mind, but they still cannot control their drinking. That’s because there is no cure for alcoholism. The only way they are able to have a sober mind is by getting help. It is not something they are able to do on their own. I truly believe that the devil targets this group of people. But more on that another time.
I hope some of this helps, especially for people who have loved ones that are alcoholics. As an alcoholic myself, I can say that none of it makes sense to me. None of what I was doing made sense, and I was the one doing it. So I can only imagine how difficult it is for non-alcoholics to understand. Alcoholics are not in their right minds. And that is why I whole-heartedly believe that alcoholics and addicts are not choosing alcohol or drugs over a loved one. In their right, sober mind, they would choose the loved one over and over and over again. They would choose their marriage. They would choose their children. They would choose their job. They would choose their house. They would choose not to drink and drive. They would choose not to wake up every morning with a hangover. They would choose not to be ashamed of what they did the day or night before. They would choose to not hide and lie. They would choose to be normal. And they would choose to be free.
They just can’t.
In the words of Marlin from Finding Nemo, “You think you can do these things but you just can’t!” And that’s exactly the problem with alcoholics. We think we can stop. We truly believe it is in our power and control to stop.
We just can’t.
Please comment below or ask any questions. You can also always email me at theimperfectlyimperfectblogs@gmail.com. I truly hope this helps someone. And I’m always here to answer questions, to listen, and to pray.
To God be ALL the Glory!
Love, Grace
