I somehow pulled myself up off rock bottom, I mean the shower floor, and put on my pajamas and got into bed. I woke up the next morning half hoping that after my sob session the night before, I’d realize this had all just been a terrible dream. And the other half of me was hoping that God would have snapped his fingers and fixed everything in that moment and I’d be packing up and heading back home to my husband and child. So I was pretty devastated to wake up and realize that my swollen eyes were still opening to the complete mess that was my terrible life. God, didn’t you hear me last night? I thought to myself. I continued what I had been doing before, putting one foot in front of the other. This crushing realization that everything was actually MY fault brought me back to square one, except this time I wasn’t in shock, so I was a completely deflated, hopeless, empty version of myself, filled with guilt and self-loathing. All of the feelings I’d been burying in alcohol over the years, then deflecting and blaming Thomas for, were all of the sudden collecting in my stomach and my throat.
But it’s a funny thing, being at rock bottom like that. Even though it’s such a dark, depressing state to be in, I have always found that if you look at it from a different perspective, it’s actually pretty promising. Sure, things are a complete disaster. But I find this paradoxical comfort in knowing that I can’t fix things. It’s in times like this that I kind of smile and think, “Well, this is all you, God. I’ve got nothing. Anything that happens now is all up to You.” And it also makes me laugh a little, because, isn’t it ALWAYS up to God? We go through life with this false sense of control, things go wrong and we feel like things are out of control, but the control was never really ours to begin with.
But I believe that this is the point that we reach a divine sense of peace – when we stop struggling (in vain) to have control of our lives and surrender to God.
And maybe sometimes God just needs us to get to that point where we stop getting in the way of His divine plans so that His will can be done.
It reminds me of how my son ALWAYS has to do things himself. Like if we are trying to go to the park and I start putting his shoes on for him, he TAKES THEM OFF and undoes what I already did, then puts them back on himself (much slower, I will add). And then when I open the door for him, he has to close the door, open it back up, and only then can he get in. We end up getting the same place we were supposed to go, it just takes a LOT more effort, and usually some arguing and tears. Or what about when he INSISTS on carrying his ice cream cone to the table by himself and (of course) drops it on the floor. Maybe we’re just constantly insisting on doing things ourselves, thinking we know better than God, and in the process we undo all that He’s been working on, redo it ourselves in a worse way, then cry and scream when something goes wrong.
Anyways, I was done dropping my ice cream on the floor. I was ready to let God carry it, and the rest of my life, Himself. I still couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that God would allow us to get divorced. I knew that God’s plan wasn’t for people to get divorced, so I didn’t understand why He wouldn’t answer my prayers. But I was done fighting. I decided I was going to trust Him, and if we didn’t end up getting back together somehow, I would trust that God had something better in store.
One night a few weeks later, I had to bring some papers to Thomas. I brought them inside, and somehow we ended up talking about the divorce (which our attorneys probably frowned upon), and I started tearing up a little and telling him something along the lines of it was all my fault and I was sorry.
And then he asked if he could give me a hug.
I can’t remember if it was that night or the following day – it’s all a little blurry. But Thomas said that he wanted to talk about potentially reconciling (that’s the legal term for getting back together). It certainly didn’t happen overnight, but it honestly happened pretty quickly and easily.
And this was, without a doubt, positively only something that could have been from God. There is truly no other explanation. Thomas and I have talked about it several times since, and we both agree that the moment those divorce papers were delivered to me, a line had been crossed and there was absolutely no going back. See, Thomas is very much the type of person who makes a decision and sticks with it. And we both knew that this was one of those decisions. And as the weeks and months went on after it first happened, we spent more and more money on attorneys, I signed a lease on an apartment, and damage had been done that could never be fixed. This truly was something that just could not be fixed.
But it was. It is. And, it isn’t just fixed.
It’s SO MUCH BETTER.
It is a REAL-LIFE MIRACLE.
And here’s the thing that I’ve learned about God. Yes, He can part the waters of the Red Sea or raise Lazarus from the dead. But a lot of His every-day miracles are simply just the changing of someone’s heart. God softened Thomas’ heart that day, and suddenly something that seemed so incredibly impossible, was happening. I moved back in a few months later. We went to counseling a handful of times. But honestly, we didn’t even really need the counseling. God gave us a new marriage. Of course we have the occasional argument or disagreement, and we have a very rare fight here and there. But we have so much more love and respect for each other than we ever did before this all happened. I consider it a blessing to know what it is like to get divorced without actually getting divorced, because now I know that it is NOT worth it in the slightest.
And please don’t take that personally if you feel otherwise. I can’t speak to everyone’s situation. I’m sure people feel differently, and that’s okay. I’m not trying to say you should never get divorced. If you are divorced, I am not at all judging you or trying to make you feel badly. I think there are always exceptions and circumstances that would make divorce acceptable or even the correct move. I’m only speaking about my own experience. What you decide is none of my business.
I also want to take a moment to speak to the people who are divorced but who did not want to get divorced. I am very aware that, while God answered my prayers and performed a real miracle in my life, sometimes that’s not what happens. Sometimes God doesn’t answer our prayers, at least not in the way we want. And I wish I knew why. I do not believe that it is because of anything anyone did or didn’t do. I do not believe that God favors certain people over others. This is actually something that has bothered me a great deal over the years. And, while I don’t have all the answers, I have recently realized some things that have helped. Keep reading – I will keep coming back to this.
But as far as my story goes, we all lived happily ever after. The end.
Oh, wait. Nope. We still live in a fallen world. Sin is still everywhere. And there is still so much more to tell. Come back for part 20. And until then,
To God be ALL the Glory!
Love, Grace
