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My Story – Part 21 “The Crushing”

I want to take a minute to address something before I start this part of my story. There are true victims and their loved ones involved. That is not lost on me. I in no way want to seem as though my family and I are victims. I can’t even begin to express my sorrow and guilt regarding the victims and their families. I also don’t want anyone to think that I am using this story in anyway for selfish reasons. I have chosen NOT to say anything about the victims themselves out of respect for them and their loved ones. That is not my story to tell. The dates have been changed for that reason. Everything else is entirely true. I hope that other people can learn from this story so that it doesn’t happen again (even though I know it will). If sharing this story helps to stop one person from drinking and driving, I feel that it is worth sharing. And above all, I believe it is worth sharing if it helps bring just one person to believe in Jesus. Now to begin.

It was June 14th, 2022 at 8:30pm give or take a few life-altering minutes.

A few days earlier, I was at my parent’s house. They live about 20-30 minutes away, and my mom had been watching my oldest son, TJ, that day while I was at work, so I was there to pick him up. My sister, Margaret, was also there, as well as my brother, William. Michael, our other brother, showed up around the same time I got there. It was the first time in a long time that all four of us siblings were under the same roof, which I knew made my parents so unbelievably happy. I remember thinking that I should ask my mom if she felt like she was in a dream (a good one) having all of her four children there at the same house, but for some reason I didn’t. Little did I know how drastically our lives were about to change and we’d soon be living in a nightmare we couldn’t wake up from.

Fast forward to the 14th. I had been at work all day and arrived home around 7:30ish in the evening. My husband, Thomas, was out of town for business, and my sister had been watching my son, TJ. We talked briefly, and Margaret left to go back to her house.

I had just gotten TJ ready for bed, and he was laying in the bed next to me watching TV. He would usually sleep in my bed when he was younger and my husband was out of town. My younger son had not been born yet, so it was just the two of us at home. My phone rang, and I looked down to see who would be calling me so late. Margaret? Why would she be calling me? She must have forgotten to tell me something about TJ.

“Hey! What’s up?” I said.

“Heyyyy….can you talk for a second?” Margaret said on the other end.

My heart sank and I involuntarily fell onto the bed to brace myself for what was coming next. I knew right away something was wrong. What could it be? Oh no. It’s Mom. She had a heart attack. Or Dad. Someone had a heart attack. Or cancer. God, please let everyone be okay. My mind was racing and automatically thought the worst.

“Yeah…” I said hesitantly. “What’s wrong? Is everyone okay?” Please, God, please let everyone be okay.

“Everyone’s fine. I mean…well…yes. Yes. Everyone’s fine.” she said.

“Okay…so what’s going on?” I said. Something obviously was wrong. But what was it? Just tell me! I thought. I need to know!

“Well…it’s William. He was in an accident today.”

“Is he okay? Is he alive?” I always need to get the worst case scenario out of the way.

“Yeah he’s alive. He’s fine. But…one of the other people died.” Margaret said.

“Okay…but he’s okay, right? He’s not hurt?” I felt like I was missing something. I mean, that’s terrible that someone died, but it was just an accident. I didn’t understand.

“No, no, he’s fine.” She repeated.

“Okay…?” I still didn’t understand what was going on.

“We’re not really sure where he is. He’s either in the hospital or in jail,” she continued.

“Jail? Why would he be in jail? Oh no. Did he have pot on him?” Ugh how stupid could he be! I thought.

“Well William’s mom called mom and dad earlier and told them William was in an accident. That’s all they really knew. So I was curious and called the sheriff’s office when I left your house. And one of the people involved died and another one is in critical condition or might also be dead.” (William had recently reconnected with his birth mother and a few of his other siblings. Apparently, two of his siblings were in the car with him when the accident happened. They called their mom, which is also William’s birth mom. And she called my parents.)

“Okay…? So why would he be in jail?” Just tell me what’s going on!

“We don’t know. That’s all they told me.”

“Well it wasn’t his fault was it? And even if it was, it was an accident. I don’t understand.”

“I don’t know. That’s all they told me,” Margaret repeated

“Ummm…okay…so….I don’t really know what to say. I don’t understand. Where are mom and dad?”

“We’re right here,” my dad said in a quick, direct voice like he always does when he’s upset. “We’re on speaker phone.”

“Hi sweetie,” my mom chimed in.

“How are you guys? Are you okay?” I asked.

“We’re fine. We don’t know anything else. We’re just waiting for William to call.” my dad said, clearing his throat a few times in between to try to calm himself down.

I was still confused. I didn’t understand why he would be in jail, or if he was even in jail. “But you’re positive he’s okay? He’s not injured or anything? He’s definitely okay?” I asked.

“Yes he’s fine. His mom said that he’s fine,” someone said.

“Well, that’s good,” I said. “Thank God. As long as he’s okay. That’s all that matters.”

There was a pause. “So, what now?” I asked.

“We don’t really know,” said Margaret.

“Okay well is everyone else okay? Mom? Dad?”

“We’re okay,” they responded in unison.

“Margaret, make sure mom and dad take their aspirin tonight. Do it. Take it right now. You guys can’t have a heart attack,” I told them. After a pause I added, “I’m not really sure if I should be alone right now.”

“Why don’t you come over here tonight?” my mom asked.

“No, TJ’s already in bed. I don’t want to wake him up. I’m fine. I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure? Do you want me to come over there?” my mom asked.

“No, no. I’m fine. I promise. I’ll be fine. And I’m not going to drink. Don’t worry. I don’t even have any alcohol in the house,” I volunteered, which probably made my parents even more nervous because that wasn’t even on their minds.

“Okay. Are you sure? Is there someone you can call? Your sponsor?” Asked my mom.

“No I’ll be fine. I’m just…not really sure what to do.” We sat on the phone in silence for a minute. “Well, will you guys keep me updated?” I asked. “Promise? You’ll call me the second you talk to William? Even if it’s late?”

“We will.”

“Okay. Let me know what’s going on. Text me every once in a while. It doesn’t matter what time it is.”

“We will,” they promised. (They didn’t.)

“Okay. Well. I guess I’m going to go to bed? I mean, I probably won’t be able to sleep. But maybe I’ll try?” I didn’t really know what to do. The rest of the night was a blur. I was actually able to sleep some. At some point before I went to bed I somehow put two and two together and realized William had been drinking. And that 1-2 people had died. So it was probably going to be considered your fault. And that’s why he was in jail. I specifically remember telling my mom on the phone at some point, “I just want to give it back. Like I just want to un-hear everything you’ve told me and pretend like it didn’t happen.”

“I know,” my mom said. “Me too.”

My mind was racing. I had done the same exact thing every single day for years – drinking and driving. Literally. And I hadn’t even gotten so much as a parking ticket. Why? Why did I get off with nothing and here William was living one of my worst nightmares. That should have been me. Why not me? Why him? He was so young. He didn’t know. I know he didn’t know. He didn’t know what he was doing. He couldn’t have known. He must be so scared. I wonder what he’s thinking. I wonder if he knows we know. I hope he knows everything is going to be okay. I hope he doesn’t want to kill himself. Oh no what if he tries to kill himself? “God, please, please, PLEASE don’t let William kill himself. Please take care of him. Watch over him. Make Your presence known to him. Let him feel Your presence. And whatever happens, just don’t let him kill himself. Please. Please.”

The next morning was an all-too-familiar feeling. The feeling of hoping you just had a bad dream and realizing it wasn’t a dream. It was real. It happened. It couldn’t be undone. I knew that if I felt this bad, William must be a million times worse. Hopefully he’s in shock, I thought. I believe that God designed shock to get us through those moments when it’s not humanly possible to make it through. It truly is a blessing from God to be in a state of shock because I think otherwise, we’d die.

“God, please take care of William. Don’t let him kill himself. Make Your presence known to him. Let him know that it’s going to be okay.” I can’t tell you how many times I prayed this same prayer. Over and over. I was so concerned that he was going to kill himself. I knew that as long as he didn’t, everything was going to be okay. Somehow, someway. He just couldn’t take his own life.

One of the hardest things in life is having to take care of children and pretend like everything is okay when everything is very much not okay. They don’t stop needing to be fed or dressed or needing attention just because a tragedy happened. You can barely take care of yourself and put one foot in front of another, but they’re screaming for cheerios “with milk! No not with milk! No milk mommy! MOMMY where’s the milk??!!” TJ was yelling at me.

“OKAY!!! What do you want??!! You can have all the milk!! You can have cookies! Do you want ice cream? Here, let me get you some ice cream! Just stop yelling! Mommy has a lot going on right now. Please, just try to behave.”

“What’s wrong, Mommy? Why are you so grumpy?” TJ asked.

“I’m sorry sweetie. I’m just…sick.” Not a complete lie. I felt so sick to my stomach I could probably throw up. I somehow managed to get TJ dressed and myself dressed and got out the door and took him to daycare. I kept texting everyone to see if they had heard from William. I can’t remember when they finally got his call, but they finally did.

“What did he say?” I asked. “How is he?”

“Not much, we couldn’t really talk long, we just told him we loved him and were figuring out how to bail him out,” my parents told me.

I got to work, and immediately went to my boss’s office, trying to fight back tears but doing a really bad job. “Hi…umm…my brother, he was in an accident yesterday. It was bad. We don’t really know what’s going on. He’s okay. He’s not hurt or anything. But that’s all we really know. I just wanted to tell you why I’m crying like this,” I said with a nervous laugh, in between tears.

“Oh no I’m so sorry!” She said. “Do you need anything?”

“No, I’m fine. Thanks. But I was going to see if it would be okay if I leave around 5 instead of 6? My mom was supposed to pick my son up from preschool, but with everything going on I don’t think she’ll be able to.”

“Oh sure. Whatever you need to do.” She was a really great boss and very understanding, thankfully.

I pretended to work for the next 3 or 4 hours. I could barely concentrate much less think clearly enough to do my actual job. Lunchtime couldn’t come soon enough. I ran outside and got in my car and called my mom. “I just hate this! I hate it. This isn’t fair!” I told her through sobs. I had to pull myself together pretty quickly so my face would go back to normal by the time lunch was over. I went back inside and tried to work the rest of the day.

I remember looking down at my phone at one point and saw the news alert: “Man charged in DUI crash that killed two people.”

Man?? I thought. He’s not a MAN! He’s my brother! He’s 21 years old! He’s practically a child! This can’t be real.

But it was real. It was very, very real.

To God be ALL the Glory!

Love, Grace

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