The months went by. I had been going to therapy to try to make sense of everything. I was hurting, but I was doing my best to try to focus on my own life. I had a baby on the way and no nursery for him, so that was a good distraction. I really wished my boys were closer in age, because I wanted them to be close to each other and have a good relationship, but I was doing my best to trust God that His plan for my family was better than my plan. And of course, I was so excited to have another child, regardless of the age difference.
I was driving on my way to pick up TJ from school one day, and I was on the phone with Michael (our other brother). We were talking for a while, then I asked him about William. William and Michael, who were 21 and 19 at this time, both still lived at home with my parents. They have never really been close to each other, but I figured Michael knew more than I did about things with William since they lived under the same roof. (In case you’re confused, William was out on bond, waiting on the slow process of the court system.)
“If I tell you something, do you promise not to say anything to anyone?” he asked.
“Yes,” I lied. “What? Tell me.”
“Well, yesterday, I was looking for something in William’s room, and…um…I found something,” Michael said. (For reasons I’d rather not explain, I’m not going to elaborate any further about what he found. It wasn’t anything illegal. I just feel like it’s not my place to elaborate for now.)
“What??!” I yelled. “Oh no. No. No. No. Michael. Go tell mom. Right now.”
“Ok. Ok. I’m going. I think she’s asleep though.”
“I don’t care! Wake her up!” I panicked.
“Ok. I will. I’m going now.”
“Ok. Call me back.” I didn’t know what to do. This was serious. This was too much.
“God?? Are You serious??” I was angry. Angry at William. Angry at my mom. Angry at God. “How could You allow this, God? What is William doing? What are You doing?? You’re supposed to be watching him. You’re supposed to be protecting him. And now this?? Why are you letting this happen?? Do something, God! Do something! Please God, I’m begging You. Please God please.”
I called Margaret and told her. I knew she’d know what to do. She said she’d talk to my mom and figure it out. I was driving in circles around TJ’s school. I couldn’t go pick him up like this. I needed to make sure everything was okay.
Michael texted me. “All good.”
I pulled over to the side of the road. I had reached a breaking point. I had never felt like things were so out of my control before, and that scared me. I cried out to God, “God, what do I do? I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make this better. Please, please, please, tell me what to do God. Where are You?? What do I do??” And, this one of the other times I’ve heard God talk to me.
God said, “Do nothing.”
That’s it. Just two words. In true God fashion, it was something so incredibly simple, yet so profound that it was life changing.
And it was suddenly so clear. This was not my battle to fight. It was God’s battle. God wanted me to know that He is in control and that I was not, and He did not need my help in order for His plan to come to fruition.
All I needed to do, was to do nothing.
I just needed to trust Him and sit back and watch Him work. And pray. It was more of the same thing He had been trying to make me see all along. Just like He had told me that HE would be in control of my children’s lives and my life and that I wasn’t made to be perfect, He was also telling me that HE was in control of William’s life. He didn’t need my help. He didn’t need me to do anything. In fact, He wanted me to do NOTHING.
“Okay God. If You’re sure. That’s not at all what I want to do. But I’ll do my best. But You’ll need to help me. Help me be still when all I want is to take control.”
I cannot explain to you how difficult this was. I had so many thoughts and feelings and opinions and I needed so badly to tell them to my mom and dad. They were doing things all wrong, I thought. They needed my help. Nothing was going to change if I didn’t do something. At least that’s what I thought. And God expected me to just kick up my legs and relax? I knew God had worked miracles in the past, but what if He doesn’t this time? What if nothing good comes out of this brokenness? Then what? Why did this happen if nothing is going to change?
I had to go back to organizing my thoughts. What did I know for a fact? I knew God was real. Check. I had seen God work miracles. Check. I also knew that God doesn’t always work miracles just because He can. Didn’t love that, but okay.
But even when my circumstances change, God remains the same. And He is always, always, always good. But what did that mean? It meant that God was. Always. Good. Babies are born. Good. Babies die. Good. People are healthy. Good. People are sick. Good. People get married. Good. People get divorced. Good. Job promotion. Good. Getting fired. Good. Being sober. Good. Being an alcoholic or addict. Good. But how could God always be good when so many things are NOT good. So many things are the complete opposite of good. How could God be good when someone dies? How could God be good when your brother goes to prison? I was lost. I didn’t understand. I didn’t have all the answers. I barely had any answers.
But I did have a choice. I could choose to try to control the situation, even though God was asking me not to. But then I realized, I don’t have any control. Even if I tried to take control, I couldn’t. I had absolutely no control over William. No control over my mom and dad. No control over the courts. No control over anything. So, I didn’t actually have a choice. No matter what I did, I wouldn’t be in control. I couldn’t make things go according to my plan. I fell down on the couch, deflated and defeated. “Okay God. You win. I’m waving the white flag. I surrender. Take this from me. Just please, please, I beg of you. Just 2 things. 1. Keep William safe. Don’t let him hurt himself and don’t let anyone else hurt him. And 2. Turn this into something good. Use it for Your glory and for the good of William and the good of the victims and their families. Don’t let this all go to waste. Don’t let this be just another statistic. Another death from a drunk driver. Another black male going to prison. Use this, God. Please, and Amen.”
So that’s largely how I’ve been approaching this ever since. It’s been hard. There have been so many times when I’ve wanted to intervene. “William is doing an online zoom class for alcohol abuse, and he seems to be taking it seriously,” my mom told me at one point. “He has to complete it within 30 days, and he actually did one without me even reminding him.”
Online zoom class? Is that a joke? I thought to myself. He needs to be in rehab. Or at least going to AA meetings. But I kept that to myself, and I prayed. “God, William can’t possibly be getting anything out of online zoom classes. What is happening? He needs an intervention. This isn’t how I would do things. But I’m doing my best to leave it up to You, God. Help me to trust You. Thy will be done.”
“William has been going to AA meetings a few times a week.” my mom told me another time.
A few times a week?? He should be going every single day. Maybe even two or three times a day. I mean, he killed two people. Doesn’t he realize that? I thought to myself. Then I prayed, “God, I don’t think this is going to work. This isn’t how I would do things. Help me to trust You. Thy will be done.”
Over and over again, the same prayer. And every night I would pray for the same things: that God would keep William safe. That God would lead William to Him. And that He would use this for good and for His glory. But no matter what happens, “Thy will be done.”
I think this part of my story is largely just me going around and around in circles. Unfortunately, I have to leave a few other things out for the time being because I just don’t think it’s my place to talk about certain things. But I kept trying to be in control. And God lovingly kept bringing me back to a point of surrender. I kept thinking I knew best, and over and over God would humble me. I learned that I am utterly and completely powerless, and that I needed the grace of Jesus just as much if not more than anyone else. I was a believer, but I needed Jesus to help my unbelief.
Fast forward to roughly a year after the accident happened, in 2023. William’s attorney had been working with the prosecutor, and they were able to agree on a plea deal. To anyone who hasn’t dealt with this kind of thing before, the courts are SLOW. It took a whole year before William ever stepped foot in a courtroom, and the first time he did, it would be for his sentencing. My understanding is that the prosecutor and the defendant have to agree on a plea deal, then at the sentencing, the judge has to accept the plea deal. And as soon as it is accepted (assuming it is), the defendant is handcuffed and taken to jail to start his (or her) sentence.
I knew I couldn’t be in court. I had a newborn baby to take care of at this point. And even if I didn’t, I don’t think I was strong enough. I was (and still am) fragile. I felt like a coward. My little brother didn’t have a choice. He HAD to be there. I was taking the easy way out. I was being selfish. Hopefully one day he’d understand. And hopefully one day he’d forgive me. I prayed, of course. “God, please make Your presence known to William. Please let him feel You right there next to him. I pray that You have already put guardian angels in place at the jail and at the prison, just like You placed my sponsor at that AA meeting for me. Protect him, God. Protect him today and every day. I don’t know what Your plan is, so I don’t want to pray for a certain sentence. I just pray that Your will be done. Whether the judge accepts the plea deal or not, Your will be done. And God, don’t let this go to waste. Two people died. William is going to prison. There are no winners here. Please, please, let something good come from this. Turn this broken, ugly mess into a masterpiece, something beautiful. Let it scream of Your name and Your power and Your love and Your glory. Let William find You and live the rest of his life for You. Help me trust You, God, because my faith is thin.”
The judge accepted the plea deal, and William was sentenced to just shy of 2 years in prison. You read that correctly. Less than 2 years. I completely understand that many of you will be outraged by this. Two years is like a slap in the face to the victims and their families. Two years, when the families have a sentence of a whole lifetime without their loved one. For what it’s worth, he will be on probation for a very long time once he’s released. But I know that really doesn’t make a difference. And I honestly don’t know what to say. Of course, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t happy that I’d be able to see him again and that he’d still have a long life ahead of him. And then come back those strange feelings that I talked about before – guilt about being happy, fear about him being on probation and possibly messing up, etc. But I truly believe that this is God’s will, and that brings me peace. A peace beyond any understanding. And at the end of the day, it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. God is in control, and we are not. And His will WILL prevail. And He is GOOD.
I don’t know how this story ends. That scares me. I hate that. I want to know what God’s plan is, and I want to know that there is a happy ending. Every single day is a struggle. A struggle between taking control and surrendering. A struggle between trusting God and not trusting Him. A struggle between hope and despair. I try my best to hold on to the times I’ve heard God’s voice. I try to remember the miracles I’ve seen in my life. I try to remember that God is always good, even though He doesn’t feel good sometimes. I fail. A lot. As I said before, I’m a sinner to my core, and I’m far far far from perfect. But I don’t have to be perfect. I’m not MEANT to be perfect. I just have to let God work.
There are 2 things I know God wants me to do with my life. These are the only 2 things I am 100% sure of. 1. He wants me to be sober. 2. He wants me to pray. So I pray:
Dear God, Please forgive me. I want to take control of my life and the lives of others. I think I know better. It makes me feel better when I feel like I’m in control. I don’t like to feel like I’m dependent on anyone. I don’t want to depend on You. I’m sorry, God. I know that if I’m honest with myself, it all comes down to me not believing. I don’t believe that You’re good. I don’t believe that Your plans are best. I don’t believe that You are in control. I think I believe. And I want to believe. And I DO believe. But I don’t, God. Help me. Help my unbelief. Please be with William. Lead him to You. Let him feel Your presence. Help him lead a life according to Your will, a life that glorifies You. Protect him, God, today and every day. Give him hope when he feels hopeless. If he’s standing in the valley, at rock bottom, meet him there. And help him up, God. Give him purpose. Show him that he is forgiven and that shame and fear have no place in Your presence. Help me be patient in the waiting, God. When it seems like nothing is changing and when life doesn’t make sense. Waiting is the hardest part. Thank You, God, for sending Jesus to make this world perfect again. Thank You for William. Thank you for my sobriety. Thank you for my family. Thank You for everything You have given me, even though I deserve nothing. I deserve to be dead in a ditch somewhere, but by Your grace alone, I’m here. I don’t know what lies ahead, but I know it will all be okay because You are with me. Amen.
And this is the end, folks. At least for now. There are several things I have left out and will talk about in future posts. But this is where my story ends. It’s messy. It’s so imperfect. And yet, it’s led me here.
Thank you for following along with me as I tell my story. I truly hope it has helped some of you. Please feel free to reach out, comment, send me a DM on Instagram, or send me an email. I’d love to hear from you and answer any of your questions!
And while this is the end of my story, the blog is just getting started! Come back weekly; I have so much more to share!
To God be ALL the Glory!
Love, Grace
