*Parts 1-5 are available under the Story tab on the blog.
For much of my life, I never really had “close” girlfriends. I was always in the “popular” crowd, and I had several friends who I’d hang out with, but I was never the leader of the group, and I always kind of felt like my girlfriends I did have didn’t care much whether we were friends or not. I think much of that had to do with I typically had serious, long-term boyfriends. My boyfriend during much of high school was a great guy. We were together from my sophomore year of high school through my junior year of college. He accepted me for who I was and got along great with my family, which really helped during that rough time in my life. But towards the end of our relationship, I started feeling like we had kind of run our course, and I broke up with him. Shortly after, I started dating another guy who was in med school, and I think I was attracted to his ambition. He and I were together for about 2 years.
During my senior year, I applied to med school at 4 different schools. Most people at that time applied to a lot more than that – sometimes up to 20 different schools or more. My reasoning for only applying to 4 schools was that I had decided that it wouldn’t be a bad idea to take a year or two off in between. I have absolutely no idea why I thought this, but I wonder if I was afraid of not getting in anywhere, so only applying to a handful of schools would be a good excuse in case I was rejected by all of them.
I didn’t get in anywhere.
And that, ladies and gentleman, was probably the point when the storm brewing inside of me really started to pick up speed. I tried to tell myself that it was okay – had I applied to more schools, I would have gotten in somewhere. So it was really my choice that I didn’t get in anywhere. I’m not sure if what I’m writing makes sense. I’m also not sure that it really matters. The point was, I graduated from college with mediocre grades and no clear job or career path. Me. Grace the Great. The person who built her whole life around being smart and setting herself up to get a prestigious, well-paying job. I graduated for college and had absolutely nothing to show for it. And I felt so incredibly lost with no real goal or strategy for getting back on track.
So I started teaching SAT classes for one of those review course companies. My boyfriend (the one in med school) worked for them and made pretty good money, and he was able to get my a job with them despite me having no qualifications. Now, if you can imagine a shy, insecure 22-year-old getting up in front of a group of kids to teach them something I knew nothing about, it’s probably no surprise that things got bad quickly. Students complained, and I started getting pulled out of classes one by one and replaced by someone who was much more qualified than me. That really hit me hard. It hurt my soul.
And then my boyfriend broke up with me.
I was left with nothing. No good grades. No job. No place to live. No friends. No boyfriend. No family. Nothing. I was empty. And I desperately needed something to fill that emptiness, and I needed it fast.
I quickly found that alcohol filled that hole rather nicely.
But what I didn’t realize was that it was also fueling that storm inside of me.
The devil had me right where he wanted me. And we quickly became the best of friends.
Until next time – to God be ALL the Glory!
Love, Grace
